nobody's fault but mine

obligation: feeling pulled toward something only because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings or be considered someone who bails, etc

me: someone who has said yes more times than I should have

you: probably same, but more likely better than


I get invited to events. Half the time I'm so honored to be invited. I don't have a lot of friends. Seriously, hear me out. I know a lot of people, but I don't have a lot of friends. There is only one person besides my husband that I hang out with relatively regularly. I'm not allowed to hang out with anyone in my store because it's completely against policy. I feel uncomfortable at certain church group get togethers due to my church attendance, or lack thereof.

I need the fellowship, yes, and I engage myself in it pretty often. However, I have never been interested in hanging out with a huge group of the same people twice a week. No matter how many times people say they're not judgemental or they're down for whatever, I don't believe them. Why?

I also claim to be not judgemental and for the most part I'm pretty open-minded and understanding, but due to my human nature I have some setbacks and I do a double take to certain statements or actions of others... and even myself.

I find it nearly impossible to go around town or work and have only understanding thoughts. I want to be this way so badly and I am working on it with God.

I want to see things and people like Him. I say this. I say this a lot. I have felt the pain of others because I've said this. It is not a pleasant thing to be able to do. It is a beautiful thing, but it hurts. It hurts a lot.

I don't know if that's why big groups overwhelm me. It could be anxiety, but what if the two are related? Yes, sometimes anxiety causes irrational thoughts and feelings no matter how real they are to me or you... but what if the underlying reason for the irrational feeling or thought is actually rational but on a different level... from a different perspective?

Stick with me here if you're still reading.

Saturday I dreaded going in. I had no real logical reasoning of not wanting to go to work, at least on my way there I didn't know what it was. This happened two weeks in a row, okay? Both times I felt like crying from the second I woke up to the second I clocked in. One of those Saturdays I actually did cry on my drive to work. Both days something out of the ordinary happened within hours of my so-called "irrational feelings and thoughts" bit. One of the days, a girl who was supposed to close with me passed out and had to be sent to the ER. The other day, I had a girl run off the floor and hide in the bathroom to cry. I went in to give her a pep talk and held her until she stopped crying. My feelings felt justified after these days ended. I understood why it was I was feeling so uneasy. I can't really explain it, but it was almost as if God was trying to show me that someone was hurting and that they needed someone. Now, I have no proof of this but that is sometimes okay and sometimes the point.

We are all going through something, something that only God knows sometimes. We need to all support and be here for one another.

So, where does this leave me on the whole "I don't want to go out" page? Well, today I had two events that I was invited to and two that I planned for myself. I decided to say no to the two I was invited to and put off the two I planned for myself. This still leaves me feeling a bit conflicted, because now I didn't let down just one person but I also rid of my own plans in order to not feel guilty about bailing on friends.

Alright. So?

So, I don't know why but I just DON'T WANT TO LEAVE MY HOUSE. And, friends, every now and then, THAT IS OKAY. You need to reset. You need to veg out.

My reasoning is because I have all week to do the two things I planned. I'm working all early mornings that will force me to be "up and at em" and "out n about." I will get to do those things. I will do them for myself. As for the people I "bailed" on today, they will be okay. They are not depending on me to have fun or relax. Sometimes I feel like I'm actually doing people a favor by bailing on someone. AND NO, I don't mean this in a self-deprecating "I'm not that great anyway" kind of way. (If you want to take it that way, go for it. I ain't yo mama.)

I mean it this way... I have had people bail on me and I have never been so thankful because sometimes you just need time alone. Clearly, I'm a 100% believer in this considering I decided to spend my whole day off by myself. But, when you're alone the pressure and obligation is off. The judgment is usually off, but not always. It's okay to spend time alone as long as it's healthy. After a year of recognizing my anxiety and depressive states, I can tell when I'm in a bad place or a good one. God tells me. March was not an easy month for me, because of my father's mental state and current behavior. However, my God is greater and He loves on me every day by waking me up and reminding me that I have a husband who loves me and a job that pays my tuition.

Not everything is perfect, not everything is great. I struggle with the littlest of things. Last night I cried because I don't fully understand baseball and I felt like I let my husband down because of it. I'm constantly embarrassed at the little amount of information I know about politics, our country, and even just simple math at times.

I'm working on figuring things out and I'm accepting my flaws as "works in progress" rather than pitfalls that make me considered less than in my sometimes critical mind.

I'm a screenwriter and an artist at my core. I'm a singer and sometimes a drinker. I'm a daughter, to a flighty mother and a manic father. I'm a wife to a silly no fcks given husband. I'm a sister to a grown up 12 year old and a meathead 18 year old. I'm a servant to thousands of entitled people and broken people.

I'm an absolute wreck of a human being that loves her King, the Great I Am. I'm more spirit than flesh, and I'm still learning thousands of things each day.

it's been a minute

writing is therapeutic, they say

I ought to do it more

I've been using other means of therapy, though, so don't worry
I haven't lost it yet


let's see
I've made a decision to eat cleaner & I've stuck to it for 4 months now - the same amount of time I've been going to bed without makeup ---- that's big bc I was notorious for the 'last night's eye makeup' look

I've read 1 book & listened to 10 audiobooks, 5 of which completely influenced my life (thank you Drew Barrymore, Donald Miller, & Leah Remini for being so inspiring)

I took up yoga & even bought a full year membership because I love it that much & am serious about continuing to get better at it

I am attending a weekly women's bible study with some badass chicks who love Jesus, men, & cookies

I feel more peace than anxiety on a regular basis

Food no longer has the power that it did over me

I feel closer to God than I ever have in my life

I feel closer to my husband than I ever have in my life

I feel more ME than I ever have in my life

here's something they don't tell you when they make progress & come out on top (i.e. what I'm feeling like is happening to me):
it's no easy ride. it's fucking difficult.
but it's SO worth it. the saying no to cake, the choice to stay in & work on homework instead of going to a friend's house to drink... it's hard, really hard. but waking up without the heaviness and guilt and shame is something 1) I never thought I'd feel again & 2) that is impossible to put a price on

thanks to Whole30 & a more paleo lifestyle, I find that my thinking is clearer and my decisions are more thought out. my house is more organized, as is my life. I am lighter (physically & mentally) & I'm more fun. I can tell that people enjoy being around me more than they used to. I'm calmer, & more likely to admit my faults than in the past. I am better.

as I said, it was not easy. that being said, my work is not done. it's never done. GOD's work is not done. GOD is not done with me. he is just getting started. it's like a fun ride at an amusement park, & right now I'm walking to the next line to get on the best ride there.

an awesome quote from my current tv obsession 'Sons of Anarchy' (I only have six episodes left... I'm crying) is "Don't ride alone." my awesome best friend & husband is always there for me, yes, but even if he wasn't (bc let's face it, not everyone is as fortunate to have a Zach Mariner in their life... srsly you're the fucking greatest person I will EVER know) - even if he wasn't - GOD is on this ride with me. He is holding my hand. He is holding me when I feel as if the ride will break down, as if I will literally fly right out & end up being splattered all over the pavement... He is taking care of me every step of the way for He built the way. He is the ultimate, the almighty, the FATHER that we all need. For, we don't all have fathers we need. and some of us, like my husband, have no earthly father & God is the only father they've really ever known. thank you, Father, for taking care of us & being you. thank you for this life & the struggles & misery that comes with it for without it we would not even enjoy the joy & love & peace. thank you.

xoxo

watch it

I was home not that long ago, but it feels like it's been years.

Things go way too fast up north and I hate it. I really thought that I liked it, and maybe if I was better at it then that would be one thing. But I'm not. I'm not good at the "go, go, go" way of living. I was raised in a home where you take your time. Most of my grandmother's day was spent cooking and cleaning and watching TV. And fuck, I love doing all three of those.

I just want to spend all of my time doing those things and making crafts. I love drawing lately, and I need to write more. But it seems like I can't even catch up on life right now. I'm so overwhelmed by everything all the time.

If it isn't my housework, it's schoolwork, and then nine times out of ten it's that terrible store.

I'm leaving the first chance I get. The store is poison. I can't keep allowing myself to be a part of it. It's a fucking joke. I know that I'm there for a reason, I know. But you know what? I can't change these people. They are content to work random hours at a company that (is fucking amazing, okay?) and complain about every minute detail they can summon. It's pathetic and I hate it for them, but they've settled and they've accepted that and it's not my place to try and help them. I thought that it was and I tried that. I almost killed my sanity in the process. Yes, these people are THAT difficult. It goes beyond the work stuff. The majority of them lack common sense completely. It's draining when I've seen things done so much better and more efficiently, and I can't get anyone on the same page. It seems like they want to be miserable. And I am notttt about that life.

I miss my family a lot lately. It was my younger sister's twelfth birthday last week. She's growing up so, so fast and I feel like I'm missing all of it. I think that social media honestly makes it more difficult. I'm constantly reminded that I'm not there for birthdays and stuff. Social media can suck it, honestly.

Technology in general is such a bittersweet thing. I love a lot of things that it offers but I feel like it's sucking the ever living life out of me between school and relaxing. I can seriously sit in front of the television for eight hours straight with minimal breaks and no human interaction without a problem and then I have to sit for about the same for schoolwork and I just feel so weird afterward. It makes me want to just run away and sit on a beach with literally no technology. I hate it so much sometimes. But I can't get away.

Okay, wow, I'm ranting and it's fucking terrible. Sorry, just really needed to get it all out.

Hope you enjoyed reading this pile of shit in word form.

Jesus, it's me again

Life is so, so, so good right now.

I grew up in a home that was extremely unstable. Some days are of course easier than others. The worse ones are due to my recent struggles with depression in addition to my anxiety that I've dealt with for almost 3 years.

It's scary since my father lives with bipolar disorder. He's in his dull stage right now which is neither high nor low. He's just kinda there. I'd been putting off calling him because it always makes me sad to talk to him when he's like this. But I finally made myself do it two nights ago. It had been nearly two months since we'd spoke but the conversation only lasted twelve minutes. You'd think we'd have more to talk about, but there were a lot of awkward silences. Nevertheless, I'm glad I did it because now I don't have to feel guilty about not calling him and I also know I was right about what the call would be like. Hopefully my dad comes back soon. I mean, the one I like.

I don't know my real dad. I mean, I know him... but not really. Even my mom's memories of them as newlyweds doesn't tell me much except that he wasn't diagnosed early enough. I fear some days that I'll be diagnosed the same.

But since my depression started, my husband has been a really great one. He's taken care of me and left me alone when I needed it. It's incredible to me that he loves me as much as he does. That God loves me so much that not only did He die for me and give me life, but He gave me the best friend in the entire world. It's more than my tiny brain can process. I love him so much it hurts. It hurts so much sometimes because I'm so terrified that I'll end up hurting him.

God remains constant through all of my different moods, rational or not. So much so that I'm one hundred percent certain that everything is going to be okay. Like, it's actually going to be okay this time. It's the most peaceful certainty I've ever known.

Thank you, Jesus, for you alone are the reason I'll never be lonely.
Thank you, Jesus.

sitting in the dark, He is the light

Lately, I've been trying to do more. And at the same time, I've been trying to do less. Tricky, huh? I'm a workaholic at work but I'm also a bum when I'm off. I'm not the outdoorsy type and I don't scope out plays or events happening in the area. I'm a Netflix and takeout kind of gal. My husband also has the same interests. This is really nice because I never fear that I will be pulled away from the couch. If I am, it's to go get Taco Bell. 

We do get out on occasion and for celebration, but for the most part we are huge homebodies. This has become more prevalent since we moved to Connecticut. I don't think that it's because we don't have family near or because we haven't been here long. I think we're finding our shtick. I like it. I can't stand hiking, unless you're rolling me up the damn hill and have an iv of coffee hooked up to me. I enjoy seeing how many episodes of a certain show I can watch in a certain amount of time. I do, however, require only one show at a time. I like to give all my attention to one. There are few exceptions to this rule. 

I really don't enjoy big crowds, unless there's a great reason for it with a lot of food, alcohol, and again - coffee. I never went to parties in high school. Let's be honest, I was never really invited. But I like to think people knew I'd RSVP with no. 

I enjoy sitting at my mom's house listening to Pink Floyd, Zeppelin, or U2 on my stepdad's record player while everyone talks about what they're feeling and drinks wine. I love being able to randomly decide that I want brownies and then I make them and they all get eaten. I love not feeling pressured by people. 

At work, I feel pressure from the snooty customers. But then I remember that as their barista I have the power to either instill that snooty attitude or turn it around with a bomb ass latte and a brief but positive conversation.

I've also felt a lot of pressure recently with my new promotion. I've been after this promotion since November of 2013. I had only been with the company for four months, but my manager saw potential in me. He wasn't the best manager, but he appreciated my passion for the company and my desire to get things done and done right. 

Since then, I have done nothing but work my ass off to get it. I have had to prove myself to two more store managers, a district manager, and not to mention the three other shift supervisors in my store. It's been a weird transition, especially since I went from being three peoples' inferiors to their equals. Then, on the other end I went from being ten peoples' equals to their superior.

It makes it hard to be friends with someone when you're constantly telling them to get shit done. Tomorrow starts my second full week in my new position. I've closed the store three times and opened it once. The open was rocky and the closes are fun. It's a rush getting a to-do list of about one hundred tasks done by a certain time.

A week and three days my current store manager will be retiring and I have to say it's a pretty bittersweet situation. These things always are. She's been with the company just over a decade, but had very few on her side. She's a gem of a human, but just not cut out for management. I hope the very best for her and for us. So many people are happy she's leaving and all I can think about is how awful the next one could be.

It could always be worse.

God is really putting my patience and hard work to the test this year. It's only 25 days in and let me tell you I feel like New Years was almost three months ago. I'm not even exaggerating. These three and a half weeks have dragged on like a Tarantino film. FYI, Tarantino films are in my top five but man he sure does keep them at two hours.

Connecticut is under a winter storm warning for the next two days and we're about 95% sure we'll be closing early tomorrow, closed Tuesday, and opening late on Wednesday. I could not be more happy about these circumstances because both Zach and I are off Tuesday and Wednesday (I am however on call pretty much always but guys keep your fingers crossed.)

My best friend Vicky is coming in town late Thursday night and I really would love if the roads would be cleared and safe for her to drive on by then. I really need her right now. I don't have many girl friends, and my best ones are all at least nine hours from me.

Being a homebody is weird because I feel that I hate people but then I get mad because I feel like they hate me and that's why I never go anywhere with anyone. It's so stupid because every single Sunday I have the option to get up and go to church and then go to lunch with anywhere from ten to twenty people in their 20s like me and not be a loner. However, for the last six Sundays or so I've chosen to stay home and sleep in and have myself a breakfast and devotion with just me and God. I much prefer that. 

Sometimes I feel guilty for doing it though, selfish or lazy. But I'm telling you, it is so important that I do it because it's one of the only times I have promised to do it. I was raised that Sunday is a day of rest and when I'm working every Sunday night I feel like I need the rest of the day to be relaxing because any other day I don't let myself relax. I literally make up stupid to do lists just to fill my time so that I don't relax. I went six months without relaxing in a bath and then this month I started back. I think I've had seven in the past two weeks. 

It's so important to make myself relax and spend time with myself because if I don't, I actually break down and forget who I am. I feel as if I don't know who the fuck is looking back at me in the mirror. Seriously, this happened last weekend. Zach and I went to NYC for his birthday and stayed the night in the city after going to our first Broadway show and a really nice sushi restaurant and we got cheesecake at Juniors with my stepbrother and his girlfriend. I have never felt so alive as I did that night. 

That night we had no responsibilities. It was just me and him enjoying life. Then, at about 10:30am, we headed back home and I just froze. I got really upset with Zach for not knowing that when we got Chick-fil-a on the drive back, I wanted to go inside and eat - not through the drive-thru. I was being so irrational and bitchy. About thirty minutes from home I requested that we go to the mall because I wasn't ready to go home yet. Like I said, the pressure from work had really been getting to me and I needed all the distraction. I had just got paid that morning and could really use some retail therapy.

So, we went and I only dropped about forty bucks at Forever21. We went home, and I completely crashed in our bed after like an hour of tossing and turning and changing what show I was watching on Netflix. I then proceeded to sleep way too much the next two nights. My mom pointed out to me that I should probably cut back on the alcohol since it's a depressant and depression and substance abuse run in my family, on both sides.

So, I'm drinking more water and less alcohol as well as less coffee. That's a hard one for me considering where I work and my genetics. I'm still trying to find out what it is I want to do. Thankfully, there isn't a rush on that from anyone in my family - by blood or law.

I'm having a bit of a quarter life crisis but my husband and my God remind me that they are with me every step of the way and that is so much more than I deserve.  

mawwiage is what bwings us togevuh today

I love my husband.

Like, a lot.

He's the end all be all when it comes to men.
And to friends. He's my best friend.

I'm fighting a panic attack currently. I had literally the worst day at work you could imagine, and then some. I have all of my finals due tomorrow night approximately two hours after I get out of work. The absolute last thing I want to do is cram, but here I am.

I tell him about my nerves and worrying, and he calls me immediately. He makes jokes to calm me down and asks me what kind of pizza I want. He tells me that I'm not in this alone, and it's all going to be okay.

He always tells me it's going to be okay.

That's weird to me.

That everything will be okay.

I'm not used to this. I wasn't raised this way. I don't know how to accept it.

But I believe him. I trust him. And, he's almost always right. (Except for when I'm right... which is always.)

Marriage is fun. People still stop us in our tracks and give us lectures about how we're too young. You know what I think about those people? I think their life is sad that they can't imagine a life where people could love one another so much that they would beg their parents to get married before they graduated college. So much in fact that they would spend almost three years away from one another because being on a break due to distance seemed like a stupid idea. So much that they've been through the absolute hardest and ugliest of times together, and together they made a beautiful life.

Yeah, we're the stupid ones. To all of you who think these things, I feel sorry for you. I hope that you see what a foolish thing you're saying. I hope you see that all you're doing is killing spirits because yours is dead.

I feel sorry for you, and I hope that your life gets better.
I really, really do.

gray area

Though I've experienced it once before, it never fails to hurt every time.

I went and visited my family last week, right? My dad is on the depressed side right now, and I knew he wouldn't be up for much. We went out to dinner, and then planned to meet at Starbucks the next day to spend more time together.

We said we'd meet around 1:30pm. I called him to let him know we were on our way and would be there at the time we planned. He told me he couldn't get there until 2. Not a problem. My brother and sister, husband and myself killed time at the mall until it was time to head over.

When we arrived, I got a call from my dad saying that he forgot about an appointment he had with a creditor and would be unable to make it. He was sorry. I know he means this. I know he wanted to see me one last time before I venture back almost 923 miles to Bristol, Connecticut.

But, I was hurt.
It still stings three days later.

I don't know that things like this will ever become easier... I think they'll always be this hard, just different every time. I can't talk to him about this stuff. Even when he's back in a pretty clear mindset, I can never tell him all these thoughts. I think that's the worst part. I feel like I'm lying to him, and I hate lying.

I fear sometimes that I'll end up like him. His disorder was not diagnosed until he was almost 30, if I'm remembering correctly. I'm only 21 now. I try not to fear of this, because ultimately my God is in control. I trust that my God doesn't have that as my plan.

However, there's always that little bit of doubt.
My reasoning for my little bit of doubt lies solely on the fact that my father, in his most manic moments, claimed that God told him what to do...