gut it

discipline and structure is something that has always been rather foreign to me. I used to find myself terribly uncomfortable making a list of deadlines and events, but lately I can't get enough. I want to fill nearly every day with something exciting. I've had a sticky note next to my bed that says "kick today's ass. do something exciting today!" I've done pretty well so far considering the amount of anxiety those words used to cause me. it used to put too much pressure on my day because just getting out of bed was hard enough some days. now, though, challenges like making memorable moments and trying new things has become a great interest of mine.

I enjoy exploring surrounding towns and taking people to see the things that I feel I've uncovered. most of us tend to go throughout our lives repeating the same routine and same schedule, and I have just never enjoyed that lifestyle. I get bored way too easily when it comes to the 9 to 5 working for the weekend mindset. if I get an invite to an event in NYC but I have to work early the next morning, I don't want to decline the invite because I'll miss a few hours asleep. I would much rather take the opportunity to meet new people and see new places even if it means I'll be a little tired the next day (isn't that what coffee's for?).

I won't let go of this feeling, even though some days it slips and I mold right back into the perfect addition of my recliner and watch episodes of series for the umpteenth time. I am finding balance between the two because although I am changing as the days go on, I still know that I have a habit of doing too much too soon. it's important that I take it slow and rest some days. today is one of those days.

hips don't lie

tension building. mind running. room spinning.

Hips are where we hold all of our emotions and lately mine are screaming. I have to do a lot more exercises geared toward opening my hips to release the tension, the stressors. I'm trying to keep up but not with anything specific. I'm trying to eat cleaner and live cleaner altogether, gut my health of all the bad chemicals. Though it's all real & beneficial, it parallels all too well with my head & my heart. I'm clearing all the bad that I can control. For there is so much that is out of my control. I blocked my own father on all of social media. I had too much too quickly. The mania is more than I can handle. I talked to him for approximately 20 minutes this week, more than I had in weeks. It was uncomfortable but educational. It was eye opening. I see where his mind's at and it concerns me. I pray for him. I love him. However, for me to be the most healthy me I must keep us distanced, more than just by being physically 15 hours away. Geographically distanced is sometimes not enough. He can do just as much damage from far away, and I must keep up my guard. My father is not a bad man. But his mind is dangerous and very convincing to the weak man that my father has been beaten down to. It's a terrible spiral to watch, and there's not much I can do. I've made all the suggestions and requests to him to take his medicine, to get professional help, to file for disability. He's too far in to have an open ear to me. He's delusional right now and unfortunately I think I have to let him run his course, because at least he's happy where he is in his mind. His reality is not a happy place. Him being removed from the love of his life and to have to watch her be married to someone else who can provide something my father was incapable of doing can't be an easy feat. So, for now, I will step back. I will be there when he comes crashing down realizing once again all of the bad he's done. But for now, I'll be cleaning out what I can.

Come back to me, Dad.

father's day

Dad,

Thank you for giving me away. I know it couldn't have been easy to hand over your oldest daughter shortly after she turned 20. You never had a problem with Zach & cried when he asked for your permission to propose. I thought your lack of overprotective behavior was due to the bipolar, & in some way maybe it is. But I also think it's just because you trusted my judgement at that point. You were in a mental hospital when Zach & I first started talking. I was also being pestered by an ex-boyfriend. Manipulated into thinking I didn't deserve a beautiful boy like Zach. Sometime that week I put an end to the damaging emotional abuse between he and I. I chose Zach. You didn't know all this was going on, for your mind was elsewhere and so was Mom's. In a way, everyone's mind was elsewhere. None of us were on the same page for a few years, looking back. Noah, Rachael, I simultaneously made a silent agreement somewhere along the lines to walk hand in hand together. We held on tighter when you lost your job & Mom saw it as an opportunity to leave Virginia once and for all. Things got harder as the weeks past & we packed our lives once more. I wouldn't change any of it, though. I just analyze the shit out of it trying to figure out how it can help me now. I've figured out a lot of it. The hows. The whys. But I also know that sometimes not knowing things are okay. Like God's ultimate next step for me. I keep saying I don't know what to do next. Being a recently recovered control freak, this is a huge step. Thank you for helping me take that step. I spoke with you for the first time yesterday in nearly 2 months. It was my choice this time. It wasn't unplanned like your times. This was on my terms and unfortunately that's how it needs to be for right now. I appreciate your understanding and your respect for my time and space. Thank you for still being my father. Zach lost his dad 9 years and one day ago. Talk about difficult. I admire him so much for waking up every morning & going to work & caring for me. He takes care of me & he loves me more than I even know how to put into words. And I love him just the same. Zach & I saved one another. I truly believe that. I am forever grateful for that. Thank you for giving me away. Happy Father's Day.

Your daughter

I'm finally home

"

You're my harbor in this lonely storm

Your love

here in my maker's arms

I find my soul

here in my maker's arms

I'm finally home

here in my maker's arms

come home

I'm coming home

Your love is enough

"

- Jon Foreman

God, you are my everything.

You are my reason for breathing, my reason for living. 

You are why I keep walking through this broken world. 

I am being used to put back together what I, and others, broke.

Thank you for loving me even when I am unlovable.

life is funny sometimes. it kicks you on your ass just when you think you can't walk another step. it's timely in that way, forcing you to sit down because you don't have to walk another step. my spirit is weak because my faith is strong. my Father tells me that I am to be entirely dependent on Him. so, I will follow Him. I am weak but He is strong.

how does God speak to you? for me, it's through music, through television and movies, and even through numbers and street signs. any and all things I involve myself in constantly, He shows up. He's pretty awesome in that way.

"the creative adult is the child that survived."

I was conditioned as a survivor, but now I consider myself more of a warrior. God, my husband, and yoga constantly reiterate this to me. I am a fighter of the Utmost, the Highest. I will press on.

thank you, Father

it's not been quite two years, but it's getting there, that I've lived in Connecticut. for most of it, I hated it. for most of it, I've tried to resist it. for most of it, I didn't understand it. but the smaller portion of my time here has been the most wonderful. the most recent times here have been the most beautiful. for the happiest people are the ones who choose to look at life differently. though I am in a primarily cold and difficult place in terms of geography, I am in one of the warmest and smooth places spiritually. 

I feel as if God and I have created a new relationship, one almost not connected to the last one. the same goes for me and my husband. there are hard times in every relationship, times that people don't like to be reminded of. accept those times. they are yours. they helped mold you. if you disregard their occurrence, you will eventually disregard their effect as well. for example, if you fell and broke your leg because you were running somewhere you shouldn't have... would you regret running in the wrong direction though it helped you realize the right one? or would you accept and appreciate what it showed you?

I took a new way to get to a coffee shop that I frequent. I've only went this way once before, and I thought that I could remember it. I got turned around and as soon as I realized it, I pulled over and turned around. then I got lost again, but I recognized some landmarks around me. I couldn't remember exactly which way I was supposed to go, though I had a hunch. I tried pulling it up on my GPS but my signal wouldn't reach. I went the way that I felt was right, and I started to recognize places again. I was coming up to a turn where I wasn't sure which direction was right. then, out of nowhere my GPS started up again, just in time for me to make the right turn. I nearly started crying out of joy because of how beautiful the experience was for me. I get lost a lot and I find a certain thrill from being so lost and then finding my way back. I never feel fully lost that I can't get home or to where I'm going. I fully trust in God that He will help me get back. this whole situation, and many similar to it, feel like metaphors to what I do sometimes in life. I try and go someplace I think I know well. once I realize it's not what God had planned, I pick up my things and redirect myself. it's a beautiful thing, being a lost child with a Father who loves them. I never do these things on purpose; I'm not into that kind of torture. I used to be, but I've come too far to go back. He reminds me of this constantly. 

there's a road that I pass on the way to this coffee shop I'm writing at. it's called Strong St and it has "No Outlet." I take this as a reminder from God that though there are weak spots and luring places on the way, there is no escaping the strength He has given me.

it doesn't matter where you are, geographically, or spiritually, with Him you are home.

God is your home.

God is my home.

He is enough.

what do you do

You're 12 years old and you're a daddy's girl, the two of you are inseparable. You've heard stories about his manic behaviours in the past, but you don't remember any of them yourself. You view him differently than anyone in the world. He is your world and you are his. But now he's been different. He's starting to hurt people around him with the words he speaks. People he's known his whole life. People including your brother and sister. People including your mother, and now you. What do you do?

You're 18 and trying to move out on your own. You have your first real job. Two, actually. You tried college, but it didn't even take an entire semester for you to decide you want nothing to do with it. You found a girl. The last one broke your heart, but you're ready to try again with this one. She's beautiful and fun, she's independent and lovable. Life with her is brighter. Your father is reachable, though you're at the age where you understand enough about his illness to keep your distance when the signs start to show. He tells you things about your mother that make you question nearly your entire life. He's trying to make himself look better, for most of his life he's been the enemy in the story. You fill your life with movies and music and going to the gym because you're finding it hard to process. What do you do?

You're 23 and married. You've been away from home for 5 years, and now you're the furthest away that anyone in the family's ever been. A drive home means nearly an entire day in the car. Everyone constantly asks when you're visiting, never making an attempt to visit you. You understand it on the level they do, though it still makes you ache because going months without seeing your mother or singlings is starting to show. You've seen your father at his best and his worst. For you, his previous gestures were hard to read. The kind ones seemed like making up for the bad ones & the bad ones seemed like something out of a television drama. There was no way this was all happening. He had officially crossed the line this time. What do you do?

You're 46 and divorced. You're still dealing with the ghosts of your first marriage, and trying to allow the goodness of the current one to overpower the fears deep in your soul. You've been conditioned a survivor, practically since you were born. The drinking and partying never really bothered you as much as it did warn you. You knew you didn't want to be like your parents, but never said the words aloud. Your husband is wonderful, a protector, a realist. He grounds you and loves you like Jesus. Your children are hurting still, though, and truthfully so are you. You want it to stop but you have accepted that it never will. The cycles, the patterns, the same phrases in each of the seasons. Your former husband and best friend has humiliated you more than he ever threatened in the past. He's announced things from your past, your weakest moments, to everyone he knows and everyone you know. What do you do?

You're 50 and struggling between doing the right thing in your mind and the right thing in your mind. Two personalities are at war. Not six months ago you were sleeping too late and eating too much. You hardly saw or spoke to your children, but you paid most bills and you were loved by many. Today you point and laugh at others faults, their bad choices, excusing your own due to your illness. Your mind tells you it's okay. Your family tells you it's not. Two of them have asked you to not speak to them though currently this doesn't stop you from behaving so poorly. You've been dismissed from your job. This is the 5th time this has happened, and to you it is a chance to start over and prove that you can make it on your own. This idea started again when you stopped paying your rent and the child support to your youngest. You're living in your car and relying on old songs you've written to bring in royalties and applying at plenty of places just so you can eat. You sleep in your car in parking lots of businesses that have free internet access so that you can feel something besides abandoned. You feel alone. But you are not. Your family still loves you though you've changed things forever. For you are still you even when you're not. You are coming down from your high and have many plans up your sleeve, ones your family knows by heart. What do you do?

What do you do when you have no control? What do you do when you don't understand it all? When you can hardly get out of bed, let alone live your life.

I'm the 23 year old in this, as most of you probably figured out. My father has bipolar disorder as I've stated in previous posts. I've accepted this about him, for it's out of my control. My younger siblings are whom I want to protect. I am reminded that though I feel strong where I am, the enemy will swoop in when I'm least expecting it. My God is good. So good. He is greater than anything that we have ever and will ever experience or know. I will not fear anything but God for He is the ultimate protector and authority. To protect my siblings, I have to protect myself. I pray constantly for everyone involved in my father's life. I pray for peace. I have felt a peace like nothing else, and I pray that others hurting get to feel it too. If you're hurting, for any reason, pray to our Father who thou art in Heaven. He is your best friend. He is your Father.

See, my experiences are helping me realize that God is the one true father. An earthly father will never be enough. Just like an earthly husband will never be enough. Jesus loves his bride (me, you) and He is to be loved back. Thank you, Jesus, for all you've done and everything you plan to do next.

nobody's fault but mine

obligation: feeling pulled toward something only because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings or be considered someone who bails, etc

me: someone who has said yes more times than I should have

you: probably same, but more likely better than


I get invited to events. Half the time I'm so honored to be invited. I don't have a lot of friends. Seriously, hear me out. I know a lot of people, but I don't have a lot of friends. There is only one person besides my husband that I hang out with relatively regularly. I'm not allowed to hang out with anyone in my store because it's completely against policy. I feel uncomfortable at certain church group get togethers due to my church attendance, or lack thereof.

I need the fellowship, yes, and I engage myself in it pretty often. However, I have never been interested in hanging out with a huge group of the same people twice a week. No matter how many times people say they're not judgemental or they're down for whatever, I don't believe them. Why?

I also claim to be not judgemental and for the most part I'm pretty open-minded and understanding, but due to my human nature I have some setbacks and I do a double take to certain statements or actions of others... and even myself.

I find it nearly impossible to go around town or work and have only understanding thoughts. I want to be this way so badly and I am working on it with God.

I want to see things and people like Him. I say this. I say this a lot. I have felt the pain of others because I've said this. It is not a pleasant thing to be able to do. It is a beautiful thing, but it hurts. It hurts a lot.

I don't know if that's why big groups overwhelm me. It could be anxiety, but what if the two are related? Yes, sometimes anxiety causes irrational thoughts and feelings no matter how real they are to me or you... but what if the underlying reason for the irrational feeling or thought is actually rational but on a different level... from a different perspective?

Stick with me here if you're still reading.

Saturday I dreaded going in. I had no real logical reasoning of not wanting to go to work, at least on my way there I didn't know what it was. This happened two weeks in a row, okay? Both times I felt like crying from the second I woke up to the second I clocked in. One of those Saturdays I actually did cry on my drive to work. Both days something out of the ordinary happened within hours of my so-called "irrational feelings and thoughts" bit. One of the days, a girl who was supposed to close with me passed out and had to be sent to the ER. The other day, I had a girl run off the floor and hide in the bathroom to cry. I went in to give her a pep talk and held her until she stopped crying. My feelings felt justified after these days ended. I understood why it was I was feeling so uneasy. I can't really explain it, but it was almost as if God was trying to show me that someone was hurting and that they needed someone. Now, I have no proof of this but that is sometimes okay and sometimes the point.

We are all going through something, something that only God knows sometimes. We need to all support and be here for one another.

So, where does this leave me on the whole "I don't want to go out" page? Well, today I had two events that I was invited to and two that I planned for myself. I decided to say no to the two I was invited to and put off the two I planned for myself. This still leaves me feeling a bit conflicted, because now I didn't let down just one person but I also rid of my own plans in order to not feel guilty about bailing on friends.

Alright. So?

So, I don't know why but I just DON'T WANT TO LEAVE MY HOUSE. And, friends, every now and then, THAT IS OKAY. You need to reset. You need to veg out.

My reasoning is because I have all week to do the two things I planned. I'm working all early mornings that will force me to be "up and at em" and "out n about." I will get to do those things. I will do them for myself. As for the people I "bailed" on today, they will be okay. They are not depending on me to have fun or relax. Sometimes I feel like I'm actually doing people a favor by bailing on someone. AND NO, I don't mean this in a self-deprecating "I'm not that great anyway" kind of way. (If you want to take it that way, go for it. I ain't yo mama.)

I mean it this way... I have had people bail on me and I have never been so thankful because sometimes you just need time alone. Clearly, I'm a 100% believer in this considering I decided to spend my whole day off by myself. But, when you're alone the pressure and obligation is off. The judgment is usually off, but not always. It's okay to spend time alone as long as it's healthy. After a year of recognizing my anxiety and depressive states, I can tell when I'm in a bad place or a good one. God tells me. March was not an easy month for me, because of my father's mental state and current behavior. However, my God is greater and He loves on me every day by waking me up and reminding me that I have a husband who loves me and a job that pays my tuition.

Not everything is perfect, not everything is great. I struggle with the littlest of things. Last night I cried because I don't fully understand baseball and I felt like I let my husband down because of it. I'm constantly embarrassed at the little amount of information I know about politics, our country, and even just simple math at times.

I'm working on figuring things out and I'm accepting my flaws as "works in progress" rather than pitfalls that make me considered less than in my sometimes critical mind.

I'm a screenwriter and an artist at my core. I'm a singer and sometimes a drinker. I'm a daughter, to a flighty mother and a manic father. I'm a wife to a silly no fcks given husband. I'm a sister to a grown up 12 year old and a meathead 18 year old. I'm a servant to thousands of entitled people and broken people.

I'm an absolute wreck of a human being that loves her King, the Great I Am. I'm more spirit than flesh, and I'm still learning thousands of things each day.

it's been a minute

writing is therapeutic, they say

I ought to do it more

I've been using other means of therapy, though, so don't worry
I haven't lost it yet


let's see
I've made a decision to eat cleaner & I've stuck to it for 4 months now - the same amount of time I've been going to bed without makeup ---- that's big bc I was notorious for the 'last night's eye makeup' look

I've read 1 book & listened to 10 audiobooks, 5 of which completely influenced my life (thank you Drew Barrymore, Donald Miller, & Leah Remini for being so inspiring)

I took up yoga & even bought a full year membership because I love it that much & am serious about continuing to get better at it

I am attending a weekly women's bible study with some badass chicks who love Jesus, men, & cookies

I feel more peace than anxiety on a regular basis

Food no longer has the power that it did over me

I feel closer to God than I ever have in my life

I feel closer to my husband than I ever have in my life

I feel more ME than I ever have in my life

here's something they don't tell you when they make progress & come out on top (i.e. what I'm feeling like is happening to me):
it's no easy ride. it's fucking difficult.
but it's SO worth it. the saying no to cake, the choice to stay in & work on homework instead of going to a friend's house to drink... it's hard, really hard. but waking up without the heaviness and guilt and shame is something 1) I never thought I'd feel again & 2) that is impossible to put a price on

thanks to Whole30 & a more paleo lifestyle, I find that my thinking is clearer and my decisions are more thought out. my house is more organized, as is my life. I am lighter (physically & mentally) & I'm more fun. I can tell that people enjoy being around me more than they used to. I'm calmer, & more likely to admit my faults than in the past. I am better.

as I said, it was not easy. that being said, my work is not done. it's never done. GOD's work is not done. GOD is not done with me. he is just getting started. it's like a fun ride at an amusement park, & right now I'm walking to the next line to get on the best ride there.

an awesome quote from my current tv obsession 'Sons of Anarchy' (I only have six episodes left... I'm crying) is "Don't ride alone." my awesome best friend & husband is always there for me, yes, but even if he wasn't (bc let's face it, not everyone is as fortunate to have a Zach Mariner in their life... srsly you're the fucking greatest person I will EVER know) - even if he wasn't - GOD is on this ride with me. He is holding my hand. He is holding me when I feel as if the ride will break down, as if I will literally fly right out & end up being splattered all over the pavement... He is taking care of me every step of the way for He built the way. He is the ultimate, the almighty, the FATHER that we all need. For, we don't all have fathers we need. and some of us, like my husband, have no earthly father & God is the only father they've really ever known. thank you, Father, for taking care of us & being you. thank you for this life & the struggles & misery that comes with it for without it we would not even enjoy the joy & love & peace. thank you.

xoxo