the eve of eve of 2017

unedited instagram post

there are just some things I'm not ready to put out so publicly.. & that's okay for right now

love on your family & friends today & every day

if I learned anything this holiday season, it's that so many people are hurting & hiding out. know that there is always someone to listen. had I not been reminded of my support system as much as I've been reminded this past year and a half, there's a strong possibility I wouldn't be here today. the mind is a powerful place & if we don't identify it's behaviors, it can cripple us. I've seen it firsthand with my father, & I've not shared a lot of that but if I can help one person then it's worth it to me to be vulnerable. there have been periods of my life where I chose not to speak with him due to the actions his illness has caused. a lot of times his behaviors got written off because of his mentality, & I had gotten sick of the crutch. the facts are, however, that although he's done so many things that have been difficult for me to cope with... he's done so many more wonderful things that no one in my life has ever come close to matching. he would give you his last meal if it meant you were happy. he would & did live in his own car for nights that turned into months just so we had child support. I've identified some of my own behaviors as a response to his. when he's down & depressed, it affects me greatly. when he's up & manic, it also affects me equally greatly but in a different manner. when he's medicated & numb to emotions, it's as if he is dead. this is difficult for me because my father in law has been dead for nearly a decade... in fact, I only met him once before he went to be with the Lord. so to say it feels as if my own father is dead when he's not- well to be quite honest it sounds insane. however, it's a very common thing amongst people in my position. imagine a human who is so inconsistent throughout yet repeats the same patterns around the same time every year. fall & spring have always been difficult for me because it's when he's on the brink of a manic episode, & often crosses that line either landing himself in the hospital or jail depending on the state laws at the time & also the severity of the situation. this last time was so bad that my mom wouldn't even tell me everything because she knows how much it would hurt me. it hurts regardless, for the record. what I do know is that he destroys everything in sight like a cry for help & trying to grasp control over something -- ANYTHING. this behavior is excruciating to watch & I've felt his pain because God has shown it to me. you know how sometimes you ask to see people like God sees them? I don't recommend it unless you're completely sure you're ready to feel so much pain that you feel as if you'll die right then and there. it's a very bizarre experience but it was necessary, I think, for my journey. this year was the first time I've went home for Christmas in years where my dad wasn't involved in some way. although the past 5 years have been separate Christmases & split time since their divorce, this year was by far the hardest. he's currently living with some family friends who are far from everyone else. to see him, it would be its own trip & I know exactly how the conversation would go. he would maybe appreciate it but mentally he's so medicated & unaware of time to even recognize it. it's a terrible, awful thing to watch & there's nothing I can do but get on my knees & beg God He be healed. I feel as though I've lost my father & right now I'm grieving. He's alive, & only a phone call away but when we speak it's like empty words & breaths of repetition. it's reflex & confusion at the same time. it's misery & entrapment. I just want him to be better. but like I said, there's nothing I can do by myself. as always, I am reminded of the number one Father. the ultimate, the unconditional, & eternal love that is Christ. He allows pain & reminds us that He has already took on our pain. My pain. Yours. He's already taken care of it & no matter how hard it gets or how dark... even when you are seriously lying on the ground & fantasizing about death & it's promise of the end of all the pain -- He comes in & reminds us that IT GETS BETTER. HE IS ALL KNOWING. YOU ARE CAPABLE. YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.

Thank you, Jesus.

off day hangs

tight noose. firm grip. I go to pull it away from my neck but it only alters the location of the pain. how am I to find freedom without asking for help?

Lately I've been having more days where I don't have anywhere to be. I find these days to be the most difficult. Freedom means choices. Freedom means control. I usually end up doing one of two things. Either I sit all day doing nothing, i.e. watch television & become one with the recliner. Or I go out & try to fill my time doing things of no importance such as shopping or worse... wander around & not even come home with anything.

When I do find the balance between the two, like today, I struggle with keeping the balance. I just turned my house inside out in order to organize & go through things. I know I'm just trying to tangibly work through the hurt inside. I know other people have much harder lives than I do for mine from the outside & even some days from the inside is an absolute dream, but I still wrestle with my thoughts & have a hard time climbing out of the pit.
Thankfully I've learned to cope with a lot of anger & depression. I've come a long way in the past few years, & I have a hard time when the old habits try to creep up.  My God is stronger than any disease, & that includes the one that wants me to kill myself.

I don't want to die.

And if I don't want to die, then why does this process continue to keep me company?

I don't want its company. God, I need you. You and you alone can remove the noose around my neck.

I am free.

Happy Alone --- first completed screenplay

INT. CAFE - DAY

LEONA, 22, approaches the counter.

               LEONA

   Large iced latte, extra cinnamon.

A barista starts the espresso machine. Leona smiles at the sound.

               CASHIER

   $4.92, please.

Leona hands the cashier six dollars, and motions for her to keep the rest. She

walks over to the hand off plane. PAUL, her friend and barista is making her drink.

               LEONA

   How's it going, Paul?

               PAUL

   Living the dream. It's August 4th, isn't it?

Leona picks at a loose thread in her sweater.

               LEONA

   Three years.

               PAUL

   Damn. She'd be so proud of you, you know that?

               LEONA

   And she'll be even more proud when I break my record today.

Leona takes a few more sips, and waves her finger at Paul.

               PAUL

   You're shooting for how many miles in an hour? Six?

               LEONA

   Anything less is failure.

               PAUL

   I've never known you to fail at anything.

               LEONA

   I'm not starting today.

Leona grabs a napkin and wraps it around her cup to collect condensation.

               LEONA (CONT.)

   Have a good day, Paul.

               PAUL

Same time tomorrow.

Leona exits the cafe and reaches in her purse, pulling out her sunglasses.

EXT. MONROE STREET BRIDGE - NIGHT

SUPER: AUGUST 4, 2015 - 6:19PM - 1.9 MILES

Leona looks down at her iPod. She turns up the volume of her music and adjusts her earbuds.

               LEONA (V.O)

   I really should have worn different socks. These are slipping so bad. Leona, no... No excuses. Get focused. Two miles down. Four to go. You can do this.

INT. LEONA AND VANESSA'S APARTMENT - DAY

BEGIN FLASHBACK:

SUPER: BLACKSBURG, VIRGINIA - AUGUST 4, 2013

Leona is curled up on her bed crying into a vintage, rugged t-shirt. There are boxes all over the room and items scattered across the floor and her bed.

CALENDAR MARKED ON AUGUST 5TH WITH THE WORDS 'MOVE TO WASHINGTON!'

Leona wipes her eyes, and leans over to her nightstand looking at a picture of her and her mom on Halloween when she was ten years old.

END FLASHBACK.

INT. LEONA'S CHILDHOOD ROOM - DAY

BEGIN FLASHBACK:

SUPER: FLOYD COUNTY, VIRGINIA - AUGUST 4, 2003

Leona, 10, is dancing and singing into a hairbrush as the radio plays pop music. As she belts her best notes, her mom knocks on the door and swings it open.

ISABEL, 32, runs a tight ship in the Reynold's household. She looks at Leona with an expression of disappointment and frustration.

               ISABEL

   Leona, keep it down. You're going to wake up your sister. I just got her down for a nap. Please find something else to do. Something productive.

               ISABEL (CONT.)

   If you do something productive, we can go trick or treating later and you can have two pieces of candy tonight. How's that sound?

               LEONA

   Fine.

               ISABEL

   Don't look so down, buttercup. Now find that something to do, okay?

END FLASHBACK.

eXT. MONROE STREET BRIDGE - NIGHT

SUPER: 6:27PM - 2.4 MILES

Leona

catches a glimpse of a corgi and its elderly owner; she smiles as she passes them.

int. ricky's apartment - night

Leona's phone starts to ring.

               LEONA

   Can you get that?

Ricky grunts and rolls across the couch to reach Leona's phone.

               RICKY

   Hello?

On the other end is RACHEL, 18, Leona's younger sister.

               RACHEL

       (over phone)

   Ricky? I need to speak to Leona.

               RICKY

   Okay. Leona!

Leona dries her hands and runs back into the living room.

               RACHEL

   Leona, you should be sitting.

               LEONA

   I've been sitting for the past six hours. I need to stand. What's wrong?

               RACHEL

   Mom passed about fifteen minutes ago. She was asleep and the hospice tried to resuscitate her, but... Sis, she's gone.

               LEONA

   Oh my God. Did she...? I mean... was she in pain?

               RACHEL

   No, she was asleep the whole time. It was really peaceful, the way everyone hopes to go.

               LEONA

   Wow.

Leona sits in a chair in the dining room. She picks at the paint on the wooden table.

               RACHEL

   She's not suffering anymore. She wouldn't want us worrying about her.

               LEONA

   I know, I know. I'll be over tomorrow so we can figure out everything to do next.

               RACHEL

   Okay. I love you.

               LEONA

       (hanging up)

   Love you too, sis.

EXT. MONROE STREET BRIDGE - NIGHT

SUPER: 6:34PM - 3.2 MILES

Leona grabs her water bottle attached to her armband. She takes big gulps.

Hip hop music plays over her earbuds, and Leona begins to mimic the beat with the pace of her running. The song begins to skip and her iPod glitches. She taps the glass, still running. The song starts back up, playing clearly. She pushes forward.

INT. RICKY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Leona walks over and sits back down next to Ricky.

               RICKY

   Babe, you missed it! The guy just got completely hammered and puked all over the chick! It was awesome.

               LEONA

   Ricky, my mom died.

               RICKY

   Oh.

Leona begins to cry, diving into her boyfriend's chest for comfort. A few minutes pass by as Ricky rubs her back, not sure what to do or say. Leona starts to sit up, rubbing her eyes.

               RICKY

   You've got mascara all over your face... and on my shirt.

Leona is appalled, and has no words come to her at this moment.

               RICKY

   What? We knew this was coming, Leona. Get yourself together and I'll pour you another glass of wine. I'll make you forget all of this, okay?

She smacks him across the face and walks out, slamming the door and sprinting to her car.

Leona locks her doors and gets out her phone.

               LEONA

   It's me. I'm coming home.

               VANESSA

       (over phone)

   Damn. That bad?

               LEONA

   She's gone, Ness. She's gone.

               VANESSA

   Shit. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Focus on driving. We'll talk when you get home. I love you.

               LEONA

       (hanging up)

   Okay. Okay. Love you too.

               LEONA

       (to herself)

   Get yourself together.

SERIES OF SHOTS - LEONA STAYING BUSY

A) Staying up late, drinking coffee and writing

Leona's computer displays a word document entitled "Final Paper"

B) Working at the cafe with Paul

C) Running to catch the bus

D) Teaching a body combat class

E) Filling out paper that reads "Intent to Graduate Early"

F) Receiving graded papers - all A's and B's

G) Graduating college

EXT. MONROE STREET BRIDGE - NIGHT

SUPER: AUGUST 4, 2015 6:48PM - 4.6 MILES

LEONA is sweating profusely at this point in her run. She starts breathing harder and harder, and within seconds, she collapses.

EXT. FUNERAL- DAY

SUPER: AUGUST 4, 2012

Many people are gathered for Isabel's funeral. A portrait of Isabel is near the casket and Leona stands at the podium, gripping at the eulogy.

She stares out into the crowd of people.

               LEONA

   My mother was an amazing woman, a fighter. Not a second of her time was wasted. She never watched television unless it was educational, and we weren't allowed to listen to music unless the song taught a lesson. She was so serious and taught me so much. She taught me to work until you get what you want. Don't stop for anything or for anyone, that I should be my own person, not like anyone else, to be a fighter.

           CUT TO:

LEONA'S CAR

LEONA sits in her car, fumbling through different pieces of paper.

               LEONA

   Thank you all for coming today. I know that my mom would appreciate you all being here. I actually don't know a lot of you, and for that I apologize on my mother's behalf for not introducing me. There are a couple more things I would like to apologize on her behalf for. She didn't mean to yell at me all the time. She didn't mean to drink like she did. She didn't mean to hit me that one time. She didn't mean any of it. She didn't realize what she was doing. She had a sickness, and we should all remember that. I'm sorry, for her, and for me. Thank you.

INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

SUPER: JULY 24, 2012

               ISABEL

   Hey, sweetie.

               LEONA

   Hey, ma, how are you feeling?

               ISABEL

   Same as I was the last twelve times you asked me this week, Leona.

               LEONA

   Sorry.

               ISABEL

   How's school? Will you be graduating on time?

               LEONA

   A year early, actually.

               ISABEL

   Just like your mother.

               LEONA

   Ha, yeah. I'm trying to make you proud. I'm keeping busy, not letting any of my potential or talent go to waste.

               ISABEL

   Just like your mother.

EXT. MONROE STREET BRIDGE - NIGHT

SUPER: AUGUST 4, 2015 - 6:48PM - 4.6 MILES

Leona lies on the ground.

All at once, pieces from Leona's past come rushing back, pieces she's tried so hard to forget.

               RICKY (V.O.)

   We knew this was coming. Get yourself together.

               RACHEL (V.O.)

   She's gone.

               RICKY (V.O.)

   Get yourself together.

               RACHEL (V.O.)

   She's gone.

               RICKY (V.O.)

   Get yourself together.

               RACHEL (V.O.)

   She's gone.

Leona, tears streaming down her face and dirt on her knees and palms, stands up.

Music similar to what ten year old Leona was listening to in the first flashback begins to play. Leona adjusts her earbuds. She's still crying, and she runs faster than before.

Leona begins to run with more determination now.

SUPER: 6:57PM - 5.98 MILES

LEONA glances at the time, and starts to pick up even more speed. She's becoming winded again, like before. She starts to really struggle, finding it hard to see what's in front of her.

SUPER: 6:59PM - 5.99 MILES

               ISABEL (V.O.)

   Keep it down.

Leona begins to slow down.

               ISABEL (V.O.)

   Keep it down.

Leona looks at the time.

               ISABEL (V.O.)

   Down.

Leona comes to a complete stop, standing upright. She breathes in and out staring at the time on her iPod. She waits for the hour mark.

SUPER: 7:00PM - 5.99 MILES

Leona starts toward the opposite direction, not looking back.

CLOSE UP of Leona, smiling.

           FADE OUT:

           THE END: