Life is so, so, so good right now.
I grew up in a home that was extremely unstable. Some days are of course easier than others. The worse ones are due to my recent struggles with depression in addition to my anxiety that I've dealt with for almost 3 years.
It's scary since my father lives with bipolar disorder. He's in his dull stage right now which is neither high nor low. He's just kinda there. I'd been putting off calling him because it always makes me sad to talk to him when he's like this. But I finally made myself do it two nights ago. It had been nearly two months since we'd spoke but the conversation only lasted twelve minutes. You'd think we'd have more to talk about, but there were a lot of awkward silences. Nevertheless, I'm glad I did it because now I don't have to feel guilty about not calling him and I also know I was right about what the call would be like. Hopefully my dad comes back soon. I mean, the one I like.
I don't know my real dad. I mean, I know him... but not really. Even my mom's memories of them as newlyweds doesn't tell me much except that he wasn't diagnosed early enough. I fear some days that I'll be diagnosed the same.
But since my depression started, my husband has been a really great one. He's taken care of me and left me alone when I needed it. It's incredible to me that he loves me as much as he does. That God loves me so much that not only did He die for me and give me life, but He gave me the best friend in the entire world. It's more than my tiny brain can process. I love him so much it hurts. It hurts so much sometimes because I'm so terrified that I'll end up hurting him.
God remains constant through all of my different moods, rational or not. So much so that I'm one hundred percent certain that everything is going to be okay. Like, it's actually going to be okay this time. It's the most peaceful certainty I've ever known.
Thank you, Jesus, for you alone are the reason I'll never be lonely.
Thank you, Jesus.
