obligation: feeling pulled toward something only because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings or be considered someone who bails, etc
me: someone who has said yes more times than I should have
you: probably same, but more likely better than
I get invited to events. Half the time I'm so honored to be invited. I don't have a lot of friends. Seriously, hear me out. I know a lot of people, but I don't have a lot of friends. There is only one person besides my husband that I hang out with relatively regularly. I'm not allowed to hang out with anyone in my store because it's completely against policy. I feel uncomfortable at certain church group get togethers due to my church attendance, or lack thereof.
I need the fellowship, yes, and I engage myself in it pretty often. However, I have never been interested in hanging out with a huge group of the same people twice a week. No matter how many times people say they're not judgemental or they're down for whatever, I don't believe them. Why?
I also claim to be not judgemental and for the most part I'm pretty open-minded and understanding, but due to my human nature I have some setbacks and I do a double take to certain statements or actions of others... and even myself.
I find it nearly impossible to go around town or work and have only understanding thoughts. I want to be this way so badly and I am working on it with God.
I want to see things and people like Him. I say this. I say this a lot. I have felt the pain of others because I've said this. It is not a pleasant thing to be able to do. It is a beautiful thing, but it hurts. It hurts a lot.
I don't know if that's why big groups overwhelm me. It could be anxiety, but what if the two are related? Yes, sometimes anxiety causes irrational thoughts and feelings no matter how real they are to me or you... but what if the underlying reason for the irrational feeling or thought is actually rational but on a different level... from a different perspective?
Stick with me here if you're still reading.
Saturday I dreaded going in. I had no real logical reasoning of not wanting to go to work, at least on my way there I didn't know what it was. This happened two weeks in a row, okay? Both times I felt like crying from the second I woke up to the second I clocked in. One of those Saturdays I actually did cry on my drive to work. Both days something out of the ordinary happened within hours of my so-called "irrational feelings and thoughts" bit. One of the days, a girl who was supposed to close with me passed out and had to be sent to the ER. The other day, I had a girl run off the floor and hide in the bathroom to cry. I went in to give her a pep talk and held her until she stopped crying. My feelings felt justified after these days ended. I understood why it was I was feeling so uneasy. I can't really explain it, but it was almost as if God was trying to show me that someone was hurting and that they needed someone. Now, I have no proof of this but that is sometimes okay and sometimes the point.
We are all going through something, something that only God knows sometimes. We need to all support and be here for one another.
So, where does this leave me on the whole "I don't want to go out" page? Well, today I had two events that I was invited to and two that I planned for myself. I decided to say no to the two I was invited to and put off the two I planned for myself. This still leaves me feeling a bit conflicted, because now I didn't let down just one person but I also rid of my own plans in order to not feel guilty about bailing on friends.
Alright. So?
So, I don't know why but I just DON'T WANT TO LEAVE MY HOUSE. And, friends, every now and then, THAT IS OKAY. You need to reset. You need to veg out.
My reasoning is because I have all week to do the two things I planned. I'm working all early mornings that will force me to be "up and at em" and "out n about." I will get to do those things. I will do them for myself. As for the people I "bailed" on today, they will be okay. They are not depending on me to have fun or relax. Sometimes I feel like I'm actually doing people a favor by bailing on someone. AND NO, I don't mean this in a self-deprecating "I'm not that great anyway" kind of way. (If you want to take it that way, go for it. I ain't yo mama.)
I mean it this way... I have had people bail on me and I have never been so thankful because sometimes you just need time alone. Clearly, I'm a 100% believer in this considering I decided to spend my whole day off by myself. But, when you're alone the pressure and obligation is off. The judgment is usually off, but not always. It's okay to spend time alone as long as it's healthy. After a year of recognizing my anxiety and depressive states, I can tell when I'm in a bad place or a good one. God tells me. March was not an easy month for me, because of my father's mental state and current behavior. However, my God is greater and He loves on me every day by waking me up and reminding me that I have a husband who loves me and a job that pays my tuition.
Not everything is perfect, not everything is great. I struggle with the littlest of things. Last night I cried because I don't fully understand baseball and I felt like I let my husband down because of it. I'm constantly embarrassed at the little amount of information I know about politics, our country, and even just simple math at times.
I'm working on figuring things out and I'm accepting my flaws as "works in progress" rather than pitfalls that make me considered less than in my sometimes critical mind.
I'm a screenwriter and an artist at my core. I'm a singer and sometimes a drinker. I'm a daughter, to a flighty mother and a manic father. I'm a wife to a silly no fcks given husband. I'm a sister to a grown up 12 year old and a meathead 18 year old. I'm a servant to thousands of entitled people and broken people.
I'm an absolute wreck of a human being that loves her King, the Great I Am. I'm more spirit than flesh, and I'm still learning thousands of things each day.
