You're 12 years old and you're a daddy's girl, the two of you are inseparable. You've heard stories about his manic behaviours in the past, but you don't remember any of them yourself. You view him differently than anyone in the world. He is your world and you are his. But now he's been different. He's starting to hurt people around him with the words he speaks. People he's known his whole life. People including your brother and sister. People including your mother, and now you. What do you do?
You're 18 and trying to move out on your own. You have your first real job. Two, actually. You tried college, but it didn't even take an entire semester for you to decide you want nothing to do with it. You found a girl. The last one broke your heart, but you're ready to try again with this one. She's beautiful and fun, she's independent and lovable. Life with her is brighter. Your father is reachable, though you're at the age where you understand enough about his illness to keep your distance when the signs start to show. He tells you things about your mother that make you question nearly your entire life. He's trying to make himself look better, for most of his life he's been the enemy in the story. You fill your life with movies and music and going to the gym because you're finding it hard to process. What do you do?
You're 23 and married. You've been away from home for 5 years, and now you're the furthest away that anyone in the family's ever been. A drive home means nearly an entire day in the car. Everyone constantly asks when you're visiting, never making an attempt to visit you. You understand it on the level they do, though it still makes you ache because going months without seeing your mother or singlings is starting to show. You've seen your father at his best and his worst. For you, his previous gestures were hard to read. The kind ones seemed like making up for the bad ones & the bad ones seemed like something out of a television drama. There was no way this was all happening. He had officially crossed the line this time. What do you do?
You're 46 and divorced. You're still dealing with the ghosts of your first marriage, and trying to allow the goodness of the current one to overpower the fears deep in your soul. You've been conditioned a survivor, practically since you were born. The drinking and partying never really bothered you as much as it did warn you. You knew you didn't want to be like your parents, but never said the words aloud. Your husband is wonderful, a protector, a realist. He grounds you and loves you like Jesus. Your children are hurting still, though, and truthfully so are you. You want it to stop but you have accepted that it never will. The cycles, the patterns, the same phrases in each of the seasons. Your former husband and best friend has humiliated you more than he ever threatened in the past. He's announced things from your past, your weakest moments, to everyone he knows and everyone you know. What do you do?
You're 50 and struggling between doing the right thing in your mind and the right thing in your mind. Two personalities are at war. Not six months ago you were sleeping too late and eating too much. You hardly saw or spoke to your children, but you paid most bills and you were loved by many. Today you point and laugh at others faults, their bad choices, excusing your own due to your illness. Your mind tells you it's okay. Your family tells you it's not. Two of them have asked you to not speak to them though currently this doesn't stop you from behaving so poorly. You've been dismissed from your job. This is the 5th time this has happened, and to you it is a chance to start over and prove that you can make it on your own. This idea started again when you stopped paying your rent and the child support to your youngest. You're living in your car and relying on old songs you've written to bring in royalties and applying at plenty of places just so you can eat. You sleep in your car in parking lots of businesses that have free internet access so that you can feel something besides abandoned. You feel alone. But you are not. Your family still loves you though you've changed things forever. For you are still you even when you're not. You are coming down from your high and have many plans up your sleeve, ones your family knows by heart. What do you do?
What do you do when you have no control? What do you do when you don't understand it all? When you can hardly get out of bed, let alone live your life.
I'm the 23 year old in this, as most of you probably figured out. My father has bipolar disorder as I've stated in previous posts. I've accepted this about him, for it's out of my control. My younger siblings are whom I want to protect. I am reminded that though I feel strong where I am, the enemy will swoop in when I'm least expecting it. My God is good. So good. He is greater than anything that we have ever and will ever experience or know. I will not fear anything but God for He is the ultimate protector and authority. To protect my siblings, I have to protect myself. I pray constantly for everyone involved in my father's life. I pray for peace. I have felt a peace like nothing else, and I pray that others hurting get to feel it too. If you're hurting, for any reason, pray to our Father who thou art in Heaven. He is your best friend. He is your Father.
See, my experiences are helping me realize that God is the one true father. An earthly father will never be enough. Just like an earthly husband will never be enough. Jesus loves his bride (me, you) and He is to be loved back. Thank you, Jesus, for all you've done and everything you plan to do next.
