tight noose. firm grip. I go to pull it away from my neck but it only alters the location of the pain. how am I to find freedom without asking for help?
Lately I've been having more days where I don't have anywhere to be. I find these days to be the most difficult. Freedom means choices. Freedom means control. I usually end up doing one of two things. Either I sit all day doing nothing, i.e. watch television & become one with the recliner. Or I go out & try to fill my time doing things of no importance such as shopping or worse... wander around & not even come home with anything.
When I do find the balance between the two, like today, I struggle with keeping the balance. I just turned my house inside out in order to organize & go through things. I know I'm just trying to tangibly work through the hurt inside. I know other people have much harder lives than I do for mine from the outside & even some days from the inside is an absolute dream, but I still wrestle with my thoughts & have a hard time climbing out of the pit.
Thankfully I've learned to cope with a lot of anger & depression. I've come a long way in the past few years, & I have a hard time when the old habits try to creep up. My God is stronger than any disease, & that includes the one that wants me to kill myself.
Thankfully I've learned to cope with a lot of anger & depression. I've come a long way in the past few years, & I have a hard time when the old habits try to creep up. My God is stronger than any disease, & that includes the one that wants me to kill myself.
I don't want to die.
And if I don't want to die, then why does this process continue to keep me company?
I don't want its company. God, I need you. You and you alone can remove the noose around my neck.
I am free.
