unedited instagram post
there are just some things I'm not ready to put out so publicly.. & that's okay for right now
love on your family & friends today & every day
if I learned anything this holiday season, it's that so many people are hurting & hiding out. know that there is always someone to listen. had I not been reminded of my support system as much as I've been reminded this past year and a half, there's a strong possibility I wouldn't be here today. the mind is a powerful place & if we don't identify it's behaviors, it can cripple us. I've seen it firsthand with my father, & I've not shared a lot of that but if I can help one person then it's worth it to me to be vulnerable. there have been periods of my life where I chose not to speak with him due to the actions his illness has caused. a lot of times his behaviors got written off because of his mentality, & I had gotten sick of the crutch. the facts are, however, that although he's done so many things that have been difficult for me to cope with... he's done so many more wonderful things that no one in my life has ever come close to matching. he would give you his last meal if it meant you were happy. he would & did live in his own car for nights that turned into months just so we had child support. I've identified some of my own behaviors as a response to his. when he's down & depressed, it affects me greatly. when he's up & manic, it also affects me equally greatly but in a different manner. when he's medicated & numb to emotions, it's as if he is dead. this is difficult for me because my father in law has been dead for nearly a decade... in fact, I only met him once before he went to be with the Lord. so to say it feels as if my own father is dead when he's not- well to be quite honest it sounds insane. however, it's a very common thing amongst people in my position. imagine a human who is so inconsistent throughout yet repeats the same patterns around the same time every year. fall & spring have always been difficult for me because it's when he's on the brink of a manic episode, & often crosses that line either landing himself in the hospital or jail depending on the state laws at the time & also the severity of the situation. this last time was so bad that my mom wouldn't even tell me everything because she knows how much it would hurt me. it hurts regardless, for the record. what I do know is that he destroys everything in sight like a cry for help & trying to grasp control over something -- ANYTHING. this behavior is excruciating to watch & I've felt his pain because God has shown it to me. you know how sometimes you ask to see people like God sees them? I don't recommend it unless you're completely sure you're ready to feel so much pain that you feel as if you'll die right then and there. it's a very bizarre experience but it was necessary, I think, for my journey. this year was the first time I've went home for Christmas in years where my dad wasn't involved in some way. although the past 5 years have been separate Christmases & split time since their divorce, this year was by far the hardest. he's currently living with some family friends who are far from everyone else. to see him, it would be its own trip & I know exactly how the conversation would go. he would maybe appreciate it but mentally he's so medicated & unaware of time to even recognize it. it's a terrible, awful thing to watch & there's nothing I can do but get on my knees & beg God He be healed. I feel as though I've lost my father & right now I'm grieving. He's alive, & only a phone call away but when we speak it's like empty words & breaths of repetition. it's reflex & confusion at the same time. it's misery & entrapment. I just want him to be better. but like I said, there's nothing I can do by myself. as always, I am reminded of the number one Father. the ultimate, the unconditional, & eternal love that is Christ. He allows pain & reminds us that He has already took on our pain. My pain. Yours. He's already taken care of it & no matter how hard it gets or how dark... even when you are seriously lying on the ground & fantasizing about death & it's promise of the end of all the pain -- He comes in & reminds us that IT GETS BETTER. HE IS ALL KNOWING. YOU ARE CAPABLE. YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.
Thank you, Jesus.
