gray area

Though I've experienced it once before, it never fails to hurt every time.

I went and visited my family last week, right? My dad is on the depressed side right now, and I knew he wouldn't be up for much. We went out to dinner, and then planned to meet at Starbucks the next day to spend more time together.

We said we'd meet around 1:30pm. I called him to let him know we were on our way and would be there at the time we planned. He told me he couldn't get there until 2. Not a problem. My brother and sister, husband and myself killed time at the mall until it was time to head over.

When we arrived, I got a call from my dad saying that he forgot about an appointment he had with a creditor and would be unable to make it. He was sorry. I know he means this. I know he wanted to see me one last time before I venture back almost 923 miles to Bristol, Connecticut.

But, I was hurt.
It still stings three days later.

I don't know that things like this will ever become easier... I think they'll always be this hard, just different every time. I can't talk to him about this stuff. Even when he's back in a pretty clear mindset, I can never tell him all these thoughts. I think that's the worst part. I feel like I'm lying to him, and I hate lying.

I fear sometimes that I'll end up like him. His disorder was not diagnosed until he was almost 30, if I'm remembering correctly. I'm only 21 now. I try not to fear of this, because ultimately my God is in control. I trust that my God doesn't have that as my plan.

However, there's always that little bit of doubt.
My reasoning for my little bit of doubt lies solely on the fact that my father, in his most manic moments, claimed that God told him what to do...