going home

Thanksgiving.

"Eat and eat and eat and eat and eat..." (I hope one of you recognized this Gilmore Girls quote.)

Thanksgiving is near, and to me this means two great things. My husband and I get off work AND we get to visit our friends and family. We've only seen three of our friends since we moved at the beginning of August. We both got six days off. SIX DAYS. This doesn't happen at Starbucks. And it's just as shocking coming from ESPN. I know this is all God, and to God I give thanks.

We have a lot of driving ahead of us. Wednesday we head to Lynchburg, Va which is about a 9 hour drive. Then, Thursday we go to Harrisonburg from there which is about 2 hours. Then back to Lynchburg. Then to Blacksburg (1.5 hours) on Friday. Then to Ringgold, Ga on Saturday (5.5 hours). Then back to Blacksburg on Monday(5.5). Then alllllll the way back to Bristol, CT on Tuesday (9 hours again). So, out of the approximate 144 hours we have off of work, about 35 - 38 (I can just see the NY traffic now) hours on the road. This sounds dumb to some. Almost as if we should just spend our time in one place or at home together.

However, we love our families. And Zach already got his schedule for December... he's working both Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I'll be working Christmas Eve as well since I got Thanksgiving off. We have to take what we can get. This also means we'll be having Christmas with my family when we go in. I've gotten almost everyone's gifts in the past two days, since that's when I got the confirmation that we'd be doing this. It's a little stressful combined with work and school, but I know it will all be worth it.

We're having this get together at my aunt's house, and she said I could invite my dad. My step dad will also be there, and they make things kind of weird. My step dad didn't come to my high school graduation party because he didn't want to make my dad feel uncomfortable. Which, in the end, it was still weird.

So, last night I invited my dad. I hadn't talked to him in almost a month because he's been in his depressive state and for a while he was without a phone. This happens almost every year. I just gave him his space. It was good to hear from him, but it was also hard. He started a job at Amazon and also got accepted to a great online college like me, but he stopped going to school and is planning on looking for a different job again. I know he really feels like he can't do it, but it's sad to me that he probably never will just because of his disease. 

A part of me wishes that I could be there, living with him in his apartment again. I wish that we could take on school together and both get our degrees and work hard at our jobs all at the same time. But then I'm reminded that as much control as I may have over some situations, this one is not for me. This is God and this is my dad. I just trust that God has a greater plan for my dad, because right now it's not so good. He'll be fine, he always is, but right now it's just so hard to watch.

He said he has to work the day of the get together, so I'll just see him the next day or the morning before me and Zach leave Georgia. I hope that I can keep myself together. I just know it's going to be an emotional trip for me. These things never get easier, they're just a little different every holiday or event.

For those in a divorced home, know that you have so many others who you can talk to. And know that being a divorce kid doesn't mean you have to be a divorce person. I found my husband who loves me no matter what, and he's fought for my undivided attention because sometimes I don't let him in. It's still hard every now and then, but when it's good... it's really, really good.

And for those living in a family of mental disorder, understand that there is a purpose. Find your personal purpose and focus on that. If you focus on the disfunction or the negative aspects, you will lose yourself in it. My mother did for a while, and it was almost harder to watch her suffer than it was to watch my dad suffer, because she allowed herself to it and he had no control.

God is our father. Though my earthly father isn't what every girl dreams of, when he's himself he's the best person I know. But God is my ultimate father, and He is who I go to in times of need... in times like these.