watch it

I was home not that long ago, but it feels like it's been years.

Things go way too fast up north and I hate it. I really thought that I liked it, and maybe if I was better at it then that would be one thing. But I'm not. I'm not good at the "go, go, go" way of living. I was raised in a home where you take your time. Most of my grandmother's day was spent cooking and cleaning and watching TV. And fuck, I love doing all three of those.

I just want to spend all of my time doing those things and making crafts. I love drawing lately, and I need to write more. But it seems like I can't even catch up on life right now. I'm so overwhelmed by everything all the time.

If it isn't my housework, it's schoolwork, and then nine times out of ten it's that terrible store.

I'm leaving the first chance I get. The store is poison. I can't keep allowing myself to be a part of it. It's a fucking joke. I know that I'm there for a reason, I know. But you know what? I can't change these people. They are content to work random hours at a company that (is fucking amazing, okay?) and complain about every minute detail they can summon. It's pathetic and I hate it for them, but they've settled and they've accepted that and it's not my place to try and help them. I thought that it was and I tried that. I almost killed my sanity in the process. Yes, these people are THAT difficult. It goes beyond the work stuff. The majority of them lack common sense completely. It's draining when I've seen things done so much better and more efficiently, and I can't get anyone on the same page. It seems like they want to be miserable. And I am notttt about that life.

I miss my family a lot lately. It was my younger sister's twelfth birthday last week. She's growing up so, so fast and I feel like I'm missing all of it. I think that social media honestly makes it more difficult. I'm constantly reminded that I'm not there for birthdays and stuff. Social media can suck it, honestly.

Technology in general is such a bittersweet thing. I love a lot of things that it offers but I feel like it's sucking the ever living life out of me between school and relaxing. I can seriously sit in front of the television for eight hours straight with minimal breaks and no human interaction without a problem and then I have to sit for about the same for schoolwork and I just feel so weird afterward. It makes me want to just run away and sit on a beach with literally no technology. I hate it so much sometimes. But I can't get away.

Okay, wow, I'm ranting and it's fucking terrible. Sorry, just really needed to get it all out.

Hope you enjoyed reading this pile of shit in word form.

Jesus, it's me again

Life is so, so, so good right now.

I grew up in a home that was extremely unstable. Some days are of course easier than others. The worse ones are due to my recent struggles with depression in addition to my anxiety that I've dealt with for almost 3 years.

It's scary since my father lives with bipolar disorder. He's in his dull stage right now which is neither high nor low. He's just kinda there. I'd been putting off calling him because it always makes me sad to talk to him when he's like this. But I finally made myself do it two nights ago. It had been nearly two months since we'd spoke but the conversation only lasted twelve minutes. You'd think we'd have more to talk about, but there were a lot of awkward silences. Nevertheless, I'm glad I did it because now I don't have to feel guilty about not calling him and I also know I was right about what the call would be like. Hopefully my dad comes back soon. I mean, the one I like.

I don't know my real dad. I mean, I know him... but not really. Even my mom's memories of them as newlyweds doesn't tell me much except that he wasn't diagnosed early enough. I fear some days that I'll be diagnosed the same.

But since my depression started, my husband has been a really great one. He's taken care of me and left me alone when I needed it. It's incredible to me that he loves me as much as he does. That God loves me so much that not only did He die for me and give me life, but He gave me the best friend in the entire world. It's more than my tiny brain can process. I love him so much it hurts. It hurts so much sometimes because I'm so terrified that I'll end up hurting him.

God remains constant through all of my different moods, rational or not. So much so that I'm one hundred percent certain that everything is going to be okay. Like, it's actually going to be okay this time. It's the most peaceful certainty I've ever known.

Thank you, Jesus, for you alone are the reason I'll never be lonely.
Thank you, Jesus.

sitting in the dark, He is the light

Lately, I've been trying to do more. And at the same time, I've been trying to do less. Tricky, huh? I'm a workaholic at work but I'm also a bum when I'm off. I'm not the outdoorsy type and I don't scope out plays or events happening in the area. I'm a Netflix and takeout kind of gal. My husband also has the same interests. This is really nice because I never fear that I will be pulled away from the couch. If I am, it's to go get Taco Bell. 

We do get out on occasion and for celebration, but for the most part we are huge homebodies. This has become more prevalent since we moved to Connecticut. I don't think that it's because we don't have family near or because we haven't been here long. I think we're finding our shtick. I like it. I can't stand hiking, unless you're rolling me up the damn hill and have an iv of coffee hooked up to me. I enjoy seeing how many episodes of a certain show I can watch in a certain amount of time. I do, however, require only one show at a time. I like to give all my attention to one. There are few exceptions to this rule. 

I really don't enjoy big crowds, unless there's a great reason for it with a lot of food, alcohol, and again - coffee. I never went to parties in high school. Let's be honest, I was never really invited. But I like to think people knew I'd RSVP with no. 

I enjoy sitting at my mom's house listening to Pink Floyd, Zeppelin, or U2 on my stepdad's record player while everyone talks about what they're feeling and drinks wine. I love being able to randomly decide that I want brownies and then I make them and they all get eaten. I love not feeling pressured by people. 

At work, I feel pressure from the snooty customers. But then I remember that as their barista I have the power to either instill that snooty attitude or turn it around with a bomb ass latte and a brief but positive conversation.

I've also felt a lot of pressure recently with my new promotion. I've been after this promotion since November of 2013. I had only been with the company for four months, but my manager saw potential in me. He wasn't the best manager, but he appreciated my passion for the company and my desire to get things done and done right. 

Since then, I have done nothing but work my ass off to get it. I have had to prove myself to two more store managers, a district manager, and not to mention the three other shift supervisors in my store. It's been a weird transition, especially since I went from being three peoples' inferiors to their equals. Then, on the other end I went from being ten peoples' equals to their superior.

It makes it hard to be friends with someone when you're constantly telling them to get shit done. Tomorrow starts my second full week in my new position. I've closed the store three times and opened it once. The open was rocky and the closes are fun. It's a rush getting a to-do list of about one hundred tasks done by a certain time.

A week and three days my current store manager will be retiring and I have to say it's a pretty bittersweet situation. These things always are. She's been with the company just over a decade, but had very few on her side. She's a gem of a human, but just not cut out for management. I hope the very best for her and for us. So many people are happy she's leaving and all I can think about is how awful the next one could be.

It could always be worse.

God is really putting my patience and hard work to the test this year. It's only 25 days in and let me tell you I feel like New Years was almost three months ago. I'm not even exaggerating. These three and a half weeks have dragged on like a Tarantino film. FYI, Tarantino films are in my top five but man he sure does keep them at two hours.

Connecticut is under a winter storm warning for the next two days and we're about 95% sure we'll be closing early tomorrow, closed Tuesday, and opening late on Wednesday. I could not be more happy about these circumstances because both Zach and I are off Tuesday and Wednesday (I am however on call pretty much always but guys keep your fingers crossed.)

My best friend Vicky is coming in town late Thursday night and I really would love if the roads would be cleared and safe for her to drive on by then. I really need her right now. I don't have many girl friends, and my best ones are all at least nine hours from me.

Being a homebody is weird because I feel that I hate people but then I get mad because I feel like they hate me and that's why I never go anywhere with anyone. It's so stupid because every single Sunday I have the option to get up and go to church and then go to lunch with anywhere from ten to twenty people in their 20s like me and not be a loner. However, for the last six Sundays or so I've chosen to stay home and sleep in and have myself a breakfast and devotion with just me and God. I much prefer that. 

Sometimes I feel guilty for doing it though, selfish or lazy. But I'm telling you, it is so important that I do it because it's one of the only times I have promised to do it. I was raised that Sunday is a day of rest and when I'm working every Sunday night I feel like I need the rest of the day to be relaxing because any other day I don't let myself relax. I literally make up stupid to do lists just to fill my time so that I don't relax. I went six months without relaxing in a bath and then this month I started back. I think I've had seven in the past two weeks. 

It's so important to make myself relax and spend time with myself because if I don't, I actually break down and forget who I am. I feel as if I don't know who the fuck is looking back at me in the mirror. Seriously, this happened last weekend. Zach and I went to NYC for his birthday and stayed the night in the city after going to our first Broadway show and a really nice sushi restaurant and we got cheesecake at Juniors with my stepbrother and his girlfriend. I have never felt so alive as I did that night. 

That night we had no responsibilities. It was just me and him enjoying life. Then, at about 10:30am, we headed back home and I just froze. I got really upset with Zach for not knowing that when we got Chick-fil-a on the drive back, I wanted to go inside and eat - not through the drive-thru. I was being so irrational and bitchy. About thirty minutes from home I requested that we go to the mall because I wasn't ready to go home yet. Like I said, the pressure from work had really been getting to me and I needed all the distraction. I had just got paid that morning and could really use some retail therapy.

So, we went and I only dropped about forty bucks at Forever21. We went home, and I completely crashed in our bed after like an hour of tossing and turning and changing what show I was watching on Netflix. I then proceeded to sleep way too much the next two nights. My mom pointed out to me that I should probably cut back on the alcohol since it's a depressant and depression and substance abuse run in my family, on both sides.

So, I'm drinking more water and less alcohol as well as less coffee. That's a hard one for me considering where I work and my genetics. I'm still trying to find out what it is I want to do. Thankfully, there isn't a rush on that from anyone in my family - by blood or law.

I'm having a bit of a quarter life crisis but my husband and my God remind me that they are with me every step of the way and that is so much more than I deserve.