father's day

Dad,

Thank you for giving me away. I know it couldn't have been easy to hand over your oldest daughter shortly after she turned 20. You never had a problem with Zach & cried when he asked for your permission to propose. I thought your lack of overprotective behavior was due to the bipolar, & in some way maybe it is. But I also think it's just because you trusted my judgement at that point. You were in a mental hospital when Zach & I first started talking. I was also being pestered by an ex-boyfriend. Manipulated into thinking I didn't deserve a beautiful boy like Zach. Sometime that week I put an end to the damaging emotional abuse between he and I. I chose Zach. You didn't know all this was going on, for your mind was elsewhere and so was Mom's. In a way, everyone's mind was elsewhere. None of us were on the same page for a few years, looking back. Noah, Rachael, I simultaneously made a silent agreement somewhere along the lines to walk hand in hand together. We held on tighter when you lost your job & Mom saw it as an opportunity to leave Virginia once and for all. Things got harder as the weeks past & we packed our lives once more. I wouldn't change any of it, though. I just analyze the shit out of it trying to figure out how it can help me now. I've figured out a lot of it. The hows. The whys. But I also know that sometimes not knowing things are okay. Like God's ultimate next step for me. I keep saying I don't know what to do next. Being a recently recovered control freak, this is a huge step. Thank you for helping me take that step. I spoke with you for the first time yesterday in nearly 2 months. It was my choice this time. It wasn't unplanned like your times. This was on my terms and unfortunately that's how it needs to be for right now. I appreciate your understanding and your respect for my time and space. Thank you for still being my father. Zach lost his dad 9 years and one day ago. Talk about difficult. I admire him so much for waking up every morning & going to work & caring for me. He takes care of me & he loves me more than I even know how to put into words. And I love him just the same. Zach & I saved one another. I truly believe that. I am forever grateful for that. Thank you for giving me away. Happy Father's Day.

Your daughter

I'm finally home

"

You're my harbor in this lonely storm

Your love

here in my maker's arms

I find my soul

here in my maker's arms

I'm finally home

here in my maker's arms

come home

I'm coming home

Your love is enough

"

- Jon Foreman

God, you are my everything.

You are my reason for breathing, my reason for living. 

You are why I keep walking through this broken world. 

I am being used to put back together what I, and others, broke.

Thank you for loving me even when I am unlovable.

life is funny sometimes. it kicks you on your ass just when you think you can't walk another step. it's timely in that way, forcing you to sit down because you don't have to walk another step. my spirit is weak because my faith is strong. my Father tells me that I am to be entirely dependent on Him. so, I will follow Him. I am weak but He is strong.

how does God speak to you? for me, it's through music, through television and movies, and even through numbers and street signs. any and all things I involve myself in constantly, He shows up. He's pretty awesome in that way.

"the creative adult is the child that survived."

I was conditioned as a survivor, but now I consider myself more of a warrior. God, my husband, and yoga constantly reiterate this to me. I am a fighter of the Utmost, the Highest. I will press on.

thank you, Father

it's not been quite two years, but it's getting there, that I've lived in Connecticut. for most of it, I hated it. for most of it, I've tried to resist it. for most of it, I didn't understand it. but the smaller portion of my time here has been the most wonderful. the most recent times here have been the most beautiful. for the happiest people are the ones who choose to look at life differently. though I am in a primarily cold and difficult place in terms of geography, I am in one of the warmest and smooth places spiritually. 

I feel as if God and I have created a new relationship, one almost not connected to the last one. the same goes for me and my husband. there are hard times in every relationship, times that people don't like to be reminded of. accept those times. they are yours. they helped mold you. if you disregard their occurrence, you will eventually disregard their effect as well. for example, if you fell and broke your leg because you were running somewhere you shouldn't have... would you regret running in the wrong direction though it helped you realize the right one? or would you accept and appreciate what it showed you?

I took a new way to get to a coffee shop that I frequent. I've only went this way once before, and I thought that I could remember it. I got turned around and as soon as I realized it, I pulled over and turned around. then I got lost again, but I recognized some landmarks around me. I couldn't remember exactly which way I was supposed to go, though I had a hunch. I tried pulling it up on my GPS but my signal wouldn't reach. I went the way that I felt was right, and I started to recognize places again. I was coming up to a turn where I wasn't sure which direction was right. then, out of nowhere my GPS started up again, just in time for me to make the right turn. I nearly started crying out of joy because of how beautiful the experience was for me. I get lost a lot and I find a certain thrill from being so lost and then finding my way back. I never feel fully lost that I can't get home or to where I'm going. I fully trust in God that He will help me get back. this whole situation, and many similar to it, feel like metaphors to what I do sometimes in life. I try and go someplace I think I know well. once I realize it's not what God had planned, I pick up my things and redirect myself. it's a beautiful thing, being a lost child with a Father who loves them. I never do these things on purpose; I'm not into that kind of torture. I used to be, but I've come too far to go back. He reminds me of this constantly. 

there's a road that I pass on the way to this coffee shop I'm writing at. it's called Strong St and it has "No Outlet." I take this as a reminder from God that though there are weak spots and luring places on the way, there is no escaping the strength He has given me.

it doesn't matter where you are, geographically, or spiritually, with Him you are home.

God is your home.

God is my home.

He is enough.