gut it

discipline and structure is something that has always been rather foreign to me. I used to find myself terribly uncomfortable making a list of deadlines and events, but lately I can't get enough. I want to fill nearly every day with something exciting. I've had a sticky note next to my bed that says "kick today's ass. do something exciting today!" I've done pretty well so far considering the amount of anxiety those words used to cause me. it used to put too much pressure on my day because just getting out of bed was hard enough some days. now, though, challenges like making memorable moments and trying new things has become a great interest of mine.

I enjoy exploring surrounding towns and taking people to see the things that I feel I've uncovered. most of us tend to go throughout our lives repeating the same routine and same schedule, and I have just never enjoyed that lifestyle. I get bored way too easily when it comes to the 9 to 5 working for the weekend mindset. if I get an invite to an event in NYC but I have to work early the next morning, I don't want to decline the invite because I'll miss a few hours asleep. I would much rather take the opportunity to meet new people and see new places even if it means I'll be a little tired the next day (isn't that what coffee's for?).

I won't let go of this feeling, even though some days it slips and I mold right back into the perfect addition of my recliner and watch episodes of series for the umpteenth time. I am finding balance between the two because although I am changing as the days go on, I still know that I have a habit of doing too much too soon. it's important that I take it slow and rest some days. today is one of those days.

hips don't lie

tension building. mind running. room spinning.

Hips are where we hold all of our emotions and lately mine are screaming. I have to do a lot more exercises geared toward opening my hips to release the tension, the stressors. I'm trying to keep up but not with anything specific. I'm trying to eat cleaner and live cleaner altogether, gut my health of all the bad chemicals. Though it's all real & beneficial, it parallels all too well with my head & my heart. I'm clearing all the bad that I can control. For there is so much that is out of my control. I blocked my own father on all of social media. I had too much too quickly. The mania is more than I can handle. I talked to him for approximately 20 minutes this week, more than I had in weeks. It was uncomfortable but educational. It was eye opening. I see where his mind's at and it concerns me. I pray for him. I love him. However, for me to be the most healthy me I must keep us distanced, more than just by being physically 15 hours away. Geographically distanced is sometimes not enough. He can do just as much damage from far away, and I must keep up my guard. My father is not a bad man. But his mind is dangerous and very convincing to the weak man that my father has been beaten down to. It's a terrible spiral to watch, and there's not much I can do. I've made all the suggestions and requests to him to take his medicine, to get professional help, to file for disability. He's too far in to have an open ear to me. He's delusional right now and unfortunately I think I have to let him run his course, because at least he's happy where he is in his mind. His reality is not a happy place. Him being removed from the love of his life and to have to watch her be married to someone else who can provide something my father was incapable of doing can't be an easy feat. So, for now, I will step back. I will be there when he comes crashing down realizing once again all of the bad he's done. But for now, I'll be cleaning out what I can.

Come back to me, Dad.