hips don't lie

tension building. mind running. room spinning.

Hips are where we hold all of our emotions and lately mine are screaming. I have to do a lot more exercises geared toward opening my hips to release the tension, the stressors. I'm trying to keep up but not with anything specific. I'm trying to eat cleaner and live cleaner altogether, gut my health of all the bad chemicals. Though it's all real & beneficial, it parallels all too well with my head & my heart. I'm clearing all the bad that I can control. For there is so much that is out of my control. I blocked my own father on all of social media. I had too much too quickly. The mania is more than I can handle. I talked to him for approximately 20 minutes this week, more than I had in weeks. It was uncomfortable but educational. It was eye opening. I see where his mind's at and it concerns me. I pray for him. I love him. However, for me to be the most healthy me I must keep us distanced, more than just by being physically 15 hours away. Geographically distanced is sometimes not enough. He can do just as much damage from far away, and I must keep up my guard. My father is not a bad man. But his mind is dangerous and very convincing to the weak man that my father has been beaten down to. It's a terrible spiral to watch, and there's not much I can do. I've made all the suggestions and requests to him to take his medicine, to get professional help, to file for disability. He's too far in to have an open ear to me. He's delusional right now and unfortunately I think I have to let him run his course, because at least he's happy where he is in his mind. His reality is not a happy place. Him being removed from the love of his life and to have to watch her be married to someone else who can provide something my father was incapable of doing can't be an easy feat. So, for now, I will step back. I will be there when he comes crashing down realizing once again all of the bad he's done. But for now, I'll be cleaning out what I can.

Come back to me, Dad.